


Sexual Dimorphism in Cross-Universal Organisms

by AngiePen



Category: Actor RPF, Lord of the Rings RPF, The Dark Crystal (1982)
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-08
Updated: 2013-12-08
Packaged: 2018-01-04 00:54:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1075155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngiePen/pseuds/AngiePen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yeah, yeah, it's all pretty and cute and magical, but Viggo just wants Orlando to climb down out of the clouds and come back to reality -- whether or not that's a good thing to wish for....</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sexual Dimorphism in Cross-Universal Organisms

"...I still say we should've taken that left turn at--"

"I _said_ I was sorry! Come on, luv, this isn't so bad!" Orlando turned around to walk backwards down the path, half skipping, coaxing, his hands held out toward his disgruntled lover. "Look around! You're usually the one running on and on about trees and birds and bugs and all! Have you ever seen anything like this?"

"It's all spongy," Viggo grouched. To himself he'd admit that this place, wherever it was, _what_ ever it was, was a marvel. He'd never seen anything like it, and for someone as well-travelled and observant as himself, that was saying a hell of a lot. Everything was new and strange -- the trees and plants, yes, but particularly the creatures. Round little bugs with too many legs and glistening wings, fluffy little lizards and scaly birds with fangs. And they all looked... spongy and twisty and bumpy. Upholstered, as though they'd give if you pressed them.

Not that he was willing to actually try it out, but it was... odd.

"It's wonderful!" Orlando burbled happily. "It's incredible, like a magical forest or something."

"We've done magical forests, remember?" Viggo eyed the tree they were passing under, half wondering whether it'd lean down and grab them.

Orlando rolled his eyes. "Not like that. Most of the landscape around Middle Earth was just like _Earth_ Earth. The magic was the ring and the wizards and all but it wasn't... I don't know, soaked into the landscape like it is here. See, like that! Tell me that's not magical!" He pointed to something that looked like a little plush hamster, or maybe six little plush hamsters sewn together, each segment with its own set of legs. Viggo cocked his head at it and stared. It looked sort of like a rolly-polly caterpillar with fur, and a hamster's head on one end and stumpy little tail on the other end.

"It's something, that's for sure," Viggo muttered. He was getting worried about Orlando, who was acting even bubblier than normal. There was a light in his eyes and a lilt to his voice and Viggo wondered if one of the flowers the kid had been so enthusiastically sniffing earlier'd had narcotic pollen or something. Keeping an eye on his bliss-filled lover, he poked the furry little thing with the tip of one finger. It was soft and warm but its fur felt fake and its eyes were weird and--

\--and it had the most godawful caterwauling shriek he'd ever heard. He staggered back a few steps, both hands plastered over his ears.

Orlando's mouth moved and Viggo thought he was saying, "Don't hurt it!" but he couldn't actually hear anything because the little stuffed hamstapillar was filling the entire universe with sound and there wasn't room for any more.

He could feel, though, and what he felt right then was a rhythmic thudding coming up through the soles of his shoes, a ba-BUM-ba-BUM-ba-BUM-ba-BUM feeling like something heavy with a whole lot of feet was galloping toward them. He backed away farther, one hand clamped around Orlando's upper arm, dragging him along despite his mouthed protests.

About four seconds later, a hamstapillar the size of a bus came crashing out from the undergrowth and boomed an angry, _"CHEEBLE!"_ at them. Viggo yelled, "Oh, fuck!" and ran.

They streaked down the path, zigging around rocks and hurdling fallen trees, the pissed off mommy (daddy? cousin? great-aunt?) hamstapillar hot on their heels. Just as they were running out of breath the path dead-ended at a sheer drop-off. Viggo skidded to a halt, barely hanging on at the edge, and had just turned around to find another direction -- _any_ direction -- to run in when Orlando slammed into him and drove them both over.

Viggo (while yelling his lungs out in shocked terror) felt Orlando's arms tighten around him and then... their hurtling plummet slowed.

He stopped yelling and stared into Orlando's eyes, which were about a quarter of an inch from his own, then tilted his head back for a better look.

A set of huge, gauzy-looking wings had unfolded from Orlando's clothes somehow and were beating lightly, bouying them up.

"Umm?" he asked.

"What?" Orlando beamed across at him, his wings fluttering in the breeze.

"You have wings," Viggo pointed out.

"Of course I have wings," Orlando said. "I told you this was a magical place. Can't you feel it?"

"If it's so magical then why don't _I_ have wings?" Viggo asked, feeling just a tad grumpy about the whole thing.

"Don't be silly," Orlando said with a laugh. "You're a boy!"

Viggo just eyeballed him for a moment, one eyebrow higher than the other. Finally he pointed out, "Orlando, you're a boy too."

Orlando got a look of startlement on his face, followed swiftly by dismay, and then stark terror.

They started falling a lot faster.


End file.
